Changing Human Nature

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God"

-Moroni 10:32

You may be wondering how that scripture ties in with marriage, or even if it does! That scripture is the whole theme of H Wallace Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. 

He teaches us that people are like potato salads. If left out all day in the sun, and then brought back inside, you can't fix it by just throwing some fresh eggs and potatoes on top. If people are rotten, marriages won't work so well! You can give them a couple of new skills like active listening and better tools for communication, but the quality of our marriages really depends on the quality of US as people. 

That may sound a bit daunting and overwhelming.  Perhaps you're thinking, "So if my marriage isn't good, does that mean I'm a bad person?"

Not necessarily.

In some cases, it is true. Both partners may not be the best people, which in turn makes it difficult for them to build a solid relationship.  But I don't think many of us are BAD people... We just let ourselves get in the way of our love for our partners. We get frustrated and impatient easily. Maybe we've had a bad day and we take it out on our spouses. 

The good news is that we can change!  Jesus Christ has provided a way for us to be better and to improve every day.  He showed us the perfect example when He lived on earth.  He was always quick to forgive and show His love to others.  We can improve in our relationships as we study his life and make a commitment to change. We can pray for the ability to see our spouses as Christ would see them, and to be patient with their weaknesses. I know that as we draw nearer to Him, we can become perfect in Him.  We can do and say as He would do and say. As we do this, we personally will change, and our relationships will thrive. 

Consecration in Marriage

H. Wallace Goddard, a Professor and Family Life Specialist said, 

"Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration.  Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls."

This week, I have been pondering the idea of consecration in marriage. Those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints often hear the word consecration in our meetings. But what does it mean? 

In the Guide to the Scriptures, a reference book used by Latter-Day saints, consecration means to dedicate, to make holy, or to become righteous. The law of consecration is a divine principle whereby men and women voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material wealth to the establishment and building up of God's kingdom.  

It may seem that the principle of consecration and eternal marriage are not related, but as we take a closer look we can see that they are actually intertwined. 

Marriage is the training ground by which we can truly learn to consecrate ourselves. When we join in that eternal bond with our companion, we promise to always love and cherish them, to sacrifice for them, and to put their needs above our own. We go from being an individual with personal goals, to being a couple, with united goals. Most married couples must learn to share all that they have.  This can be as small as sharing a bank account or as large as sharing their lives. 

For those of us who have grown up with siblings, we may have a small idea of what this means. We were probably taught when we were kids to share the remote with our siblings or to always have their back. Marriage is like that, but much more intense, and also with someone of our choosing! In marriage, we get to choose our companion, so shouldn't we be more loving and accepting of their flaws?

When I think of consecration, I can't help but think of my grandparents.  They've been married now for over fifty years and they still do everything together. I never hear them complain or argue with one another. They have really become one and are united in all things. Their love for each other is stronger than any love I have seen. 

The wonderful thing about consecration is that the more we give up, the more we receive.  As we learn to give more of ourselves to our spouses, we will be more happy and our relationships will thrive. I love that Dr. Goddard said that this consecration leads to the perfecting of our souls.  This is because as we become more consecrated, we being more selfless, and therefore more like Christ.  Christ was always consecrating his time, talents and efforts to the building of the kingdom of God. When we consecrate ourselves to our spouses and our eternal families, we are indeed building the kingdom of God, for the kingdom of God is built by families. 

The Power by Which Satan Wishes to Rule Over us.

No matter how much chemistry you have in your marriage, and despite all of your positive history, there is one thing that, if it creeps in, will destroy ANY relationship. It's such a common aspect of our lives that sometimes slides under the rug or is unrecognizable. It takes its shape in many different forms, from contempt, to jealousy to conceit or haughtiness. These are only a few words that are enveloped in this one attitude. Today, I am talking about pride. 

PRIDE.

It's a word that's thrown around rather frequently.
"I'm proud of myself "
"I take pride in my work"

But, the more dangerous kind of pride, doesn't use these words. It is evident in our thoughts and actions toward those around us. Most of us probably don't even know when we are being prideful. Ezra Taft Benson, a former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, said, "The center feature of pride is enmity--enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means "hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition." It is the power by which Satan wishes to rule over us."

It is the power by which Satan wishes to rule over us.

That is a powerful statement! In essence, President Benson is saying that when we give in to pride, we are allowing the devil to rule over us. He wishes that all men would be miserable like unto himself. He knows that the best way to do this is to make us prideful.

When we are full of pride, we cannot be humble. Which in turn means that we cannot be taught. I'm sure you can remember times when you've been in an argument and you aren't willing to budge. You are stuck in your opinion and you cannot see the other person's point of view because we are not humble enough to learn.

Pride makes us blind to our own weaknesses and pits us against others for theirs. It keeps us from seeing the truth and progressing as individuals. This progression is the entire purpose we are here on earth! We cannot progress in our relationships or as an individual when we are full of pride.

So how do we recognize it in ourselves and what can we do if we are possessed of it?
If you're thinking to yourself right now, "I'm not prideful!" Or if you are thinking of someone who you think is, then stop right there. Remember, pride makes us see each others faults and not our own. First, go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you identify pride in yourself. Then, the next time you feel any kind of hostility toward another, remember, that is pride. This is common in relationships. We often get bothered by small things that our partners do and we think that it's their problem, instead of recognizing it as pride in ourselves. Begin by recognizing this as pride and realizing that you need to change.

You can decide to love those around you, including their weaknesses or annoyances.

I know that as we recognize pride in ourselves and pray for the Lord's helping in removing it, that we can be freed from the influence of the devil and find more happiness than we have ever experienced.

Small & Simple Things

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

This is a wonderful scripture found in the Doctrine and Covenants. It can be applied to many things. But today, I would like to apply it to our marriages. You've probably heard it said, it's the little things that make the biggest difference. For anyone in a committed relationship, I'm sure you would agree that it's true. It's not the lavish anniversary trip or the expensive gift that keep us in love with our spouse. It's the daily words and actions that we communicate to one another that keep the romance alive. And the crazy thing about it, is that these little words and actions don't even have to be romantic! It can be as simple as asking each other how your day was, or pointing out something interesting that happened to you that day.

 Dr. Gottman, the marriage expert, noted that it was the couples who were engaged in each other's lives were the happiest. Sadly for us humans, sometimes we get caught up in life and get tired of doing the little things. This is where the scripture comes in. It may seem like we're doing some mundane kind of things every day, but we have to remember that we are laying the foundation for a great marriage and a great relationship. Out of those small things, we will build a great future and a lasting relationship. 

In my relationship with my fiance, it has been the little things he has done that continue to build our relationship. He is thoughtful of me and shows me that by making breakfast for me or by taking my hand in the store. He is also the biggest tease, and communicates his love by teasing me. He often reaches over and tickles me or makes jokes about things that I do. It makes me feel good to know that he recognizes the things I do and wants to be close to me. 

Dr. Gottman, refers to these ways in which we stay close to each other as "turning toward each other." There can be challenges when it comes to this. For example, perhaps you initiate a "turn" toward your significant other. You may reach for their hand or invite them to do something with you. If they turn you down, or don't accept your invite, it could leave you feeling insecure and dejected. You will be less likely to initiate something like that. Sometimes we make turns to one another, and maybe the timing just isn't right. Perhaps your partner is having a bad day, or is in their head thinking about something too much and they just don't recognize that you are trying to turn to them. This is why it's important to be observant of each other, and open your eyes so you can recognize when your partner makes a turn toward you. 

It is great to recognize that it is the little things that make the biggest difference in our marriage and in our relationships. We don't need to go all out and do crazy romantic things to keep the love going. This is comforting to me and gives me confidence that I can do this. Begin now by laying that foundation for a happy relationship.