Finances

Money.

We all love it and hate it at the same time. It's necessary to our lives, yet it creates the most stress. If it isn't handled wisely and with great communication, it can also cause major problems in relationships. Financial struggles are one of the most common causes of divorce. 

Growing up, I watched how my parents used their money and how they handled their finances. I am lucky to say that they were great examples.  They didn't go into debt (except for a house and a car), and they were very mindful of what they spent. Both kept checkbooks and talked together every month about the finances. I can even remember one time when they sat us down as a family and we all went over the budget.  Most importantly, they always paid their tithing first and gave generous fast offerings. This isn't to say that they never struggled or felt like they only had enough to make ends meet... but they always knew that if they put God first, and did their part, they wouldn't have much to worry about. 

I can't say that I have done the best job with my money, but I have tried. I have looked for ways to earn money growing up, but I could have done a much better job at saving it! What I have learned is that every person has their own money habits and strategies. I am currently engaged, and it has been really good for me to watch how my fiance' uses his money.  He rarely ever spends it, and always pays his bills ahead of time. I spent a lot of time with his family and noticed that they rarely spent money on entertainment. They did a lot together as a family, but most of their money was spent on food. Although I don't think I would want to go to this extreme in my own family, I do see a lot of value in the way that they save money.  My family spends a lot on entertainment and going out to eat, which is an area I would like to save on when I'm married.

I think the most important part about money in relationships is communication! Before you get married, a couple should talk about what they will spend money on, how they will save, who will work, who will pay the bills, etc. Then, you need to make rules for yourselves. Make a budget, and stick to it. Always be accountable for what you spend. I think another really important thing to remember about money, is that although it is very important, don't let it control you! There are times when it is good to be generous and times when money should be spent. As long as you communicate with one another and stick to your rules, you can usually get through anything. Above all, avoid debt at all costs and always have a savings fund. 

I have learned that although money is an essential part of life and marriage, it doesn't have to control us. We can take control of our finances and and experience joy in our lives! 

Power

One very important part of a marriage relationship comes down to power. 

Power is defined as the capacity or ability to direct or influence others in a particular way.  In the marriage relationship, there should be an equal share of power. Unfortunately this isn't always the case. There is a notion that men are the power-weilders in relationships, although that is a stereotype.

 It can be the man or the woman that dominates the relationship.  Regardless of who it is, it is a problem. 

Healthy marriages share an equal balance of power.

 Gordon B. Hinckley, a former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints said, 

"In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey." 

It is important to notice that men and women play different roles in the family, although these roles do not delineate the power share. 

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners "(Declaration on the Family).

These are distinct and important roles.  

I am very grateful for my wonderful parents who have been an example of shared power in their relationship.  There are some things in which my Dad makes the final decision, but I know that he always counsels with my mother. 

Above anything, I think it's vital to put the Lord first in your decision making and then come together as husband and wife to make the final decision. Husbands and wives should be very careful to not be demanding and controlling of one another, but to give each other space to explore their personal dreams as well as marital goals. 

The following interchange represents this goal that couples should have to help one another soar and reach their highest dreams. 

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that? 

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me. 

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?

 President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life.

That is exactly how I want to be in my marriage. I want to give my husband wings to fly, to always encourage him to do his best and then just let him do it! I know that as we share the power equally in our marriages that we will be happy. 

Physical Intimacy

This is one of the more awkward subjects to discuss on a blog, but it’s one that I think is so important if not VITAL to marriages. 

 Physical intimacy can either bring some of the greatest joy and unity to a marriage or the most pain and sadness.  When we marry someone, we are giving our whole selves to them and that includes sex.  In other areas of our relationship, I think most of us are very good at having clear and concise communication.  We talk about where we want to live, how we’re going to raise our kids, what our specific roles are going to be… But sometimes, couples feel insecure and uncomfortable when it comes to communicating about their sexual lives. 

 It is important for individuals to learn and understand that they have a stewardship in their marriage to be responsible for discussing and working toward compromise in sexual matters. 

I am not married and therefore don’t have any experience in this area, but I have heard of relationships that have failed because couples didn’t talk about their issues. It may be uncomfortable at first, but I really believe that talking about these things will bring happiness. It is also very important that couples are aware of the patterns that begin infidelity.  People don’t just immediately start by being unfaithful to their spouse. It usually begins because one spouse feels like they are not getting something from the other- whether that be emotional support or physical attention. They start to look for these attributes in other people.  Then, it just starts casually. It may be a colleague at work or someone at church.  They can justify being around these people because they are doing “good” things. Then they start fantasizing about this person and comparing them to their current spouse.  Eventually they start to develop feelings and even engage in what they call “innocent” behavior, like a kiss or a hug. If they go down this road too long, you know what happens.  They may be caught in a tempting situation and they may give in. 

All of this could just have been avoided if they had recognized this pattern at the beginning and if they had put their trust in their spouse instead of someone else.  I have seen how destructive this pattern can be and how easily it is for trust to be broken. People need to be better informed and they need to build trusting and open relationships with their spouse to avoid infidelity. 

If you and your spouse are struggling to discuss these issues with each other, it may be helpful to see a counselor who will be understanding and also respectful of your standards and beliefs. 

Changing Human Nature

"Yea, come unto Christ, and be perfected in Him and deny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness and love God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be perfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God"

-Moroni 10:32

You may be wondering how that scripture ties in with marriage, or even if it does! That scripture is the whole theme of H Wallace Goddard's book, Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage. 

He teaches us that people are like potato salads. If left out all day in the sun, and then brought back inside, you can't fix it by just throwing some fresh eggs and potatoes on top. If people are rotten, marriages won't work so well! You can give them a couple of new skills like active listening and better tools for communication, but the quality of our marriages really depends on the quality of US as people. 

That may sound a bit daunting and overwhelming.  Perhaps you're thinking, "So if my marriage isn't good, does that mean I'm a bad person?"

Not necessarily.

In some cases, it is true. Both partners may not be the best people, which in turn makes it difficult for them to build a solid relationship.  But I don't think many of us are BAD people... We just let ourselves get in the way of our love for our partners. We get frustrated and impatient easily. Maybe we've had a bad day and we take it out on our spouses. 

The good news is that we can change!  Jesus Christ has provided a way for us to be better and to improve every day.  He showed us the perfect example when He lived on earth.  He was always quick to forgive and show His love to others.  We can improve in our relationships as we study his life and make a commitment to change. We can pray for the ability to see our spouses as Christ would see them, and to be patient with their weaknesses. I know that as we draw nearer to Him, we can become perfect in Him.  We can do and say as He would do and say. As we do this, we personally will change, and our relationships will thrive. 

Consecration in Marriage

H. Wallace Goddard, a Professor and Family Life Specialist said, 

"Marriage provides glorious opportunities to practice consecration.  Just as Isaac was willing to give his life as the ultimate expression of commitment to God, so we are invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls."

This week, I have been pondering the idea of consecration in marriage. Those of us who are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints often hear the word consecration in our meetings. But what does it mean? 

In the Guide to the Scriptures, a reference book used by Latter-Day saints, consecration means to dedicate, to make holy, or to become righteous. The law of consecration is a divine principle whereby men and women voluntarily dedicate their time, talents, and material wealth to the establishment and building up of God's kingdom.  

It may seem that the principle of consecration and eternal marriage are not related, but as we take a closer look we can see that they are actually intertwined. 

Marriage is the training ground by which we can truly learn to consecrate ourselves. When we join in that eternal bond with our companion, we promise to always love and cherish them, to sacrifice for them, and to put their needs above our own. We go from being an individual with personal goals, to being a couple, with united goals. Most married couples must learn to share all that they have.  This can be as small as sharing a bank account or as large as sharing their lives. 

For those of us who have grown up with siblings, we may have a small idea of what this means. We were probably taught when we were kids to share the remote with our siblings or to always have their back. Marriage is like that, but much more intense, and also with someone of our choosing! In marriage, we get to choose our companion, so shouldn't we be more loving and accepting of their flaws?

When I think of consecration, I can't help but think of my grandparents.  They've been married now for over fifty years and they still do everything together. I never hear them complain or argue with one another. They have really become one and are united in all things. Their love for each other is stronger than any love I have seen. 

The wonderful thing about consecration is that the more we give up, the more we receive.  As we learn to give more of ourselves to our spouses, we will be more happy and our relationships will thrive. I love that Dr. Goddard said that this consecration leads to the perfecting of our souls.  This is because as we become more consecrated, we being more selfless, and therefore more like Christ.  Christ was always consecrating his time, talents and efforts to the building of the kingdom of God. When we consecrate ourselves to our spouses and our eternal families, we are indeed building the kingdom of God, for the kingdom of God is built by families. 

The Power by Which Satan Wishes to Rule Over us.

No matter how much chemistry you have in your marriage, and despite all of your positive history, there is one thing that, if it creeps in, will destroy ANY relationship. It's such a common aspect of our lives that sometimes slides under the rug or is unrecognizable. It takes its shape in many different forms, from contempt, to jealousy to conceit or haughtiness. These are only a few words that are enveloped in this one attitude. Today, I am talking about pride. 

PRIDE.

It's a word that's thrown around rather frequently.
"I'm proud of myself "
"I take pride in my work"

But, the more dangerous kind of pride, doesn't use these words. It is evident in our thoughts and actions toward those around us. Most of us probably don't even know when we are being prideful. Ezra Taft Benson, a former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, said, "The center feature of pride is enmity--enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means "hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition." It is the power by which Satan wishes to rule over us."

It is the power by which Satan wishes to rule over us.

That is a powerful statement! In essence, President Benson is saying that when we give in to pride, we are allowing the devil to rule over us. He wishes that all men would be miserable like unto himself. He knows that the best way to do this is to make us prideful.

When we are full of pride, we cannot be humble. Which in turn means that we cannot be taught. I'm sure you can remember times when you've been in an argument and you aren't willing to budge. You are stuck in your opinion and you cannot see the other person's point of view because we are not humble enough to learn.

Pride makes us blind to our own weaknesses and pits us against others for theirs. It keeps us from seeing the truth and progressing as individuals. This progression is the entire purpose we are here on earth! We cannot progress in our relationships or as an individual when we are full of pride.

So how do we recognize it in ourselves and what can we do if we are possessed of it?
If you're thinking to yourself right now, "I'm not prideful!" Or if you are thinking of someone who you think is, then stop right there. Remember, pride makes us see each others faults and not our own. First, go to the Lord in prayer and ask Him to help you identify pride in yourself. Then, the next time you feel any kind of hostility toward another, remember, that is pride. This is common in relationships. We often get bothered by small things that our partners do and we think that it's their problem, instead of recognizing it as pride in ourselves. Begin by recognizing this as pride and realizing that you need to change.

You can decide to love those around you, including their weaknesses or annoyances.

I know that as we recognize pride in ourselves and pray for the Lord's helping in removing it, that we can be freed from the influence of the devil and find more happiness than we have ever experienced.

Small & Simple Things

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”

This is a wonderful scripture found in the Doctrine and Covenants. It can be applied to many things. But today, I would like to apply it to our marriages. You've probably heard it said, it's the little things that make the biggest difference. For anyone in a committed relationship, I'm sure you would agree that it's true. It's not the lavish anniversary trip or the expensive gift that keep us in love with our spouse. It's the daily words and actions that we communicate to one another that keep the romance alive. And the crazy thing about it, is that these little words and actions don't even have to be romantic! It can be as simple as asking each other how your day was, or pointing out something interesting that happened to you that day.

 Dr. Gottman, the marriage expert, noted that it was the couples who were engaged in each other's lives were the happiest. Sadly for us humans, sometimes we get caught up in life and get tired of doing the little things. This is where the scripture comes in. It may seem like we're doing some mundane kind of things every day, but we have to remember that we are laying the foundation for a great marriage and a great relationship. Out of those small things, we will build a great future and a lasting relationship. 

In my relationship with my fiance, it has been the little things he has done that continue to build our relationship. He is thoughtful of me and shows me that by making breakfast for me or by taking my hand in the store. He is also the biggest tease, and communicates his love by teasing me. He often reaches over and tickles me or makes jokes about things that I do. It makes me feel good to know that he recognizes the things I do and wants to be close to me. 

Dr. Gottman, refers to these ways in which we stay close to each other as "turning toward each other." There can be challenges when it comes to this. For example, perhaps you initiate a "turn" toward your significant other. You may reach for their hand or invite them to do something with you. If they turn you down, or don't accept your invite, it could leave you feeling insecure and dejected. You will be less likely to initiate something like that. Sometimes we make turns to one another, and maybe the timing just isn't right. Perhaps your partner is having a bad day, or is in their head thinking about something too much and they just don't recognize that you are trying to turn to them. This is why it's important to be observant of each other, and open your eyes so you can recognize when your partner makes a turn toward you. 

It is great to recognize that it is the little things that make the biggest difference in our marriage and in our relationships. We don't need to go all out and do crazy romantic things to keep the love going. This is comforting to me and gives me confidence that I can do this. Begin now by laying that foundation for a happy relationship.  

Let's Talk about Sacrifice

You've probably heard it before: Relationships are all about sacrifice. What exactly does that mean? And does it really ring true? 

Sister Carol B. Thomas, a counselor in the Young Women Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints said, "Sacrifice...can develop a profound love for each other and our Savior." I love this quote. I have seen the truth of it in my relationships. For those people that I have sacrificed the most for, I feel the closest bond. I think that is because when you have to give something up for someone, you become more invested in them. 

Sacrifice is not easy and requires a lot of faith. I have recently had an experience that illustrates this principle. I am from Idaho and my fiance' is from Alabama. We met on our mission to England and dated long-distance for a few months. Our relationship got to the point where it couldn't progress much farther over the distance.  Together we decided that I should move to Alabama so that we could date in person. He had a job, and I had the convenience of doing online school so it would be easier for me to move than him. It took me a lot of praying and faith to come to the decision to move. I would basically be uprooting my life and moving to another part of the country with a bunch of people that I didn't know. I was terrified, yet I knew that it was a sacrifice that would pay off in the long-run. It was a rough transition at the start, but over time I was so glad I had made the sacrifice to move. In the end, it didn't feel like a sacrifice at all. 

That is true about most, if not all sacrifices that we make in life. Although they seem like a lot at the time, they end up coming back around to us and benefiting us. I believe that when we sacrifice for others, we are blessed to see them through more humble eyes and we love them even more for it.

Carol B. Thomas, Sacrifice: An Eternal Investment April 2001 General Conference

The Importance of Friendship in Marriage

I am beyond grateful for the wonderful example of my parents' marriage. In all the years that I lived at home, I never once saw them fight. This isn't to say that they didn't have disagreements or arguments, but they did a great job of diffusing those arguments in front of us children. The way that a couple is able to handle conflict is a great indicator of the quality and overall satisfaction of the relationship. It is said that for every negative thing that you may do in a relationship (for example, criticizing your spouse), it takes five positive things to get that relationship back to equilibrium. I was surprised by this ratio, but it gives you a good idea of the way that negative sentiments can affect the quality of a relationship.

"Friendship is vital in marriage"

In our marriage class this week, we learned that strong marriages are founded on strong friendships. You may have heard the phrase, "You marry your best friend." Well, that would be ideal! But in many cases, it isn't true. It makes sense though, that if your relationship is first a strong friendship, then your marriage will thrive. That foundation of a friendship will always be there and will not be moved by the challenges of life. When you think of your best friend, you probably think of someone whom you go to whenever something difficult comes your way. You think of someone that you can talk to anything about, one with whom you can be completely yourself. You probably think of someone whom you can laugh and cry with. Friends may disagree at times, but they know that they can't stay mad at each other for long, because they miss their best friend! This is why friendship is so vital in marriage. Life is tough, and it throws you some unexpected curve-balls. But the blows are softened when you can take them with your best friend by your side.

I am grateful for the best friend in my life. I am not yet married, but I am recently engaged. Before we started dating, Justin and I referred to each other as "my best friend." Although we lived two thousand miles apart, he was the first person I wanted to talk to when something went wrong. I always knew that he would be there for me and that he would give me good advice. I knew that he would want the best for me and so I trusted him. Somehow, time passed and what was once a friendship, caught on fire and became an abiding love. He is still my best friend and he always will be. This is why I feel confident that we will have a successful and happy marriage. I look forward to the difficult and the joyful times that will arise, because I know that we will grow together and that our friendship will only grow stronger.

Me and my best friend! 

For Time & All Eternity

...For Time and All Eternity

It's a common phrase used among members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But what does it mean? And why is it important?

When I was little girl, about three years old, I had a favorite song that I would frequently sing throughout the day. It goes like this:

I love to see the temple

I'm going there someday

To feel the holy spirit

To listen and to pray

For the temple is a house of God

A place of love and beauty

I'll prepare myself while I am young

This is my sacred duty

I love to see the temple 

I'll go inside someday

I'll covenant with my father

I'll promise to obey

For the temple is a holy place

Where we are sealed together

As a child of God I've learned this truth

A family is forever

As a child I didn't fully understand what this song meant, but as I've grown older, these words have been a source of strength and security for me. Latter-Day Saints believe that in Holy Temples we can be "sealed" to our families, meaning that we can be together forever with them if we are obedient to the promises we make to the Lord. This knowledge gives a different and more meaningful perspective on marriage. An eternal perspective means that a marriage and family is treated differently. If you want something to last forever, you have to take care of it. In some ways, it's a scary thought to think that the person you choose to marry will be yours forever, because you want to make the right choice. But it is also one of the most comforting truths, especially for those who may have lost their spouse.

When Latter-Day Saints are married in temples, they make covenants with one another as well as with God to love and cherish one another and to be faithful throughout their lives. A covenant is a two way promise. When a couple makes these covenants with God, God promises in return to strengthen them throughout life and exaltation and eternal life after they die. 'These are magnificent blessings that are conditional upon obedience. Nonmembers also make covenants when they are married. They promise that they will be true to each other, to love and cherish one another through sickness and health, etc. Unfortunately, these covenants are not always upheld and a "contract" view of marriage is slowly creeping into society.

A contract view of marriage is not one that will last. Someone with this view will withdraw their contract when things get hard. They won't invest all that they have in the relationship because they think they can just leave when they can't handle it anymore. This is definitely not the type of perspective you should have when going into a marriage.

So what can you do to ensure that your marriage is a covenant marriage and not a contractual marriage?

I think it's good to realize that you and your spouse are going to have disagreements, and that that's okay! There's nothing wrong with that, as long as you aren't disagreeing on the big things. Make sure to talk about those big things before you get married to make sure that they won't be a problem.

It's also important that going into the marriage or even the relationship, you make sure that you and your partner have the same expectations of where the relationship is heading. If one person is more committed than the other, that could be a problem. You need to understand that a marriage isn't going to be easy and it will take work, but the more that you work at it, the more you will cherish that relationship.

Marriage is not just a contract that can be ended whenever you want it to. It is a sacred union between man and woman that should be treated as such. So much joy and happiness awaits those who will work through the hard times and continue in their marriage with faith.

Same-Sex Marriage: What are the consequences?

Not too long ago, we were sitting at the table playing a game as a family when a comment was made about same-sex marriage. Even among a family of Latter-Day Saints, there were differing opinions and it didn't take long before you could feel the tension in the room. Ten years ago, this wouldn't have been a topic of conversation. Now days, gay rights and same sex marriage is everywhere you go. It's on many television shows, it's on the news in courtrooms, and in the public.

There are many arguments to be made about same-sex marriage.  Some say that love is love and that denying a couple to be married is denying them a fundamental right. These people will argue that granting a marriage to a gay couple does not affect other people's marriages, so what's the bother? They view those that oppose same sex marriage as bigots and "not with the times." They are accused of being judgmental and old-fashioned.

Some Concerns

Those who oppose same-sex marriage are aware of the long-term consequences of same-sex marriage. They argue that allowing gays to be legally married will change the definition of marriage altogether which in turn will change families. Some other implications that same-sex marriage will have is influencing religious ceremonies. If same-sex marriage is legalized, many religious institutions could be forced to administer ceremonies against their beliefs. As one who opposes same-sex marriage, this is one of the greatest concerns to me.  As stated in the Family: A Proclamation to the World, marriage is to between a man and a woman. We believe that they should be sealed to one another in holy temples through the authority of the priesthood. It would be totally against our beliefs to administer these ordinances to a gay couple.

Another of my biggest concerns is the long-term consequences on the family with the legalization of gay marriage. Along with same-sex marriage, comes same-sex adoption. Those who argue that gay marriage is a right, will also argue that gay adoption is a right. How will this impact children who are adopted into these families? This is where it gets scary--because we just don't know. Not enough time has passed and not enough research has been done to say what the effects of this will be. These changes in the structure of the family will not just be internal, but they will be external. Schools will have to start teaching their students about these different relationships. Bullying will most likely be common in such circumstances, so these teaching opportunities will most likely be common. With more talk of same-sex marriage and gay rights, it will become more normal and more acceptable. Will these lead to more same-sex relationships? If children are taught at a young age that this is normal and acceptable, will they be more likely to be curious and explore their gender attraction? This is another concern to me. The more normal something becomes, the more likely it is to be replicated and approved of.

Although I oppose same-sex marriage, I try my best to understand and respect other people's views. We are so lucky to live in a country where we can have freedom of speech and feel free to express our opinions. We must still be careful not to be tolerant of these views. We must speak up about what we believe. If we don't, then who will?

To Those On the Fence...

I want to make a shout out to those people who are on the fence. There are many people who want to follow the prophet and guidelines from the church leaders, but who are influenced by the arguments of the world. They understand the doctrine of the family but they also empathize with those who have same-gender attraction. They are empathetic and loving people who just want to keep the peace and make everyone happy. I am very close to one of these people and although I disagree with his views, I love him nonetheless. I can admit that although I don't understand everything regarding this topic, and I don't know what the long-term consequences will be, I do know that the Lord knows everything. His thoughts are higher than our thoughts and his ways are higher than our ways! I know that He guides us through His living prophet. It is this knowledge that helps me to maintain my faith even when things get confusing. I trust that He knows what is best for His children and would never lead us astray.

Marriage Trends; Divorce

When I think about the community in which I was raised, I'm grateful for good examples of relationships all around me. I'm one of those lucky people to have a mother and a father that have been happily married now for almost 25 years, with both of their parents in loving marriages as well. But, I'm not so naive to think that this is the norm. In fact, I think it's probably the exception.  I have not experienced divorce at very personal level but I have friends and family who have and I have witnessed the trauma divorce causes. 

More and more marriages are ending in divorce, and as a result, the rising generations are scared of making that commitment when all around them it doesn't seem to be working. These are only a few of the trends surrounding the subject of marriage. Cohabitation rates are also increasing, and it isn't uncommon for children to be born out of wedlock. The average age to get married is getting higher as well as the idea of individualism is sweeping across the country. 

So why the fuss? Do these trends really matter? From an outsider's perspective who doesn't have any personal affiliation with divorce, it can be difficult to see why these trends are important. Growing up I got particularly close to a family that I babysat for frequently. I wasn't aware at all that they were going through anything in their marriage and I was very shocked one day to find that they were getting a divorce. They had three young children at the time, varying from ages 5-12. Over the years, I have watched with sadness and seen how traumatic this experience has been for all of them, especially their children. I'm Facebook friends with their daughter and see frequent posts of a depressive nature
.
I have witnessed divorce in my extended family as well. Just recently, someone I know posted a picture of a letter that her daughter had written to her school teacher. It all started with the, "I wish my teacher knew" initiative... Something that has been spreading across schools. Children write something that they wish their teacher knew and it's been a good way at opening up communication between students and teachers. This sweet little girl, a third grader, wrote:

 "I wish my teacher knew... That my homework is not always turned in because my mom and dad are divorced so I go to my dads home sometimes or my step sisters are over..." 

Now although this could also be a means at getting out of homework, all you have to do is read between the lines to find a hurting child who is in need of attention and love. I wonder how many children are affected by divorces worldwide. These examples only represent a small portion of the heartbreak experienced with divorce. On the other hand, many children experience heartbreak and trauma in families where the mother and father are constantly fighting. So what are the grounds for getting a divorce? 

While there are many just causes to consider divorce, like Elder Oaks said, personality differences and falling out of love are not good reasons, and yet I think that many people get divorces because of these reasons, (Oaks, 2007).  It's important for people to understand that getting a divorce does not guarantee future happiness and that the struggles don't stop just because you get a divorce... they just manifest in different ways. In the midst of these marriage trends and apathy towards the marriage covenant, it is vital that we actively preserve our families and promote the sanctity of marriage. We can do this by teaching our children correct gospel principles. We can do this by loving and respecting our spouse at all times and by realizing that marriage won't always be easy. We need to be aware of the problems around us and be willing to stand up for what we believe. 

D.H. Oaks, (May 2007), Divorce Ensign