Finances

Money.

We all love it and hate it at the same time. It's necessary to our lives, yet it creates the most stress. If it isn't handled wisely and with great communication, it can also cause major problems in relationships. Financial struggles are one of the most common causes of divorce. 

Growing up, I watched how my parents used their money and how they handled their finances. I am lucky to say that they were great examples.  They didn't go into debt (except for a house and a car), and they were very mindful of what they spent. Both kept checkbooks and talked together every month about the finances. I can even remember one time when they sat us down as a family and we all went over the budget.  Most importantly, they always paid their tithing first and gave generous fast offerings. This isn't to say that they never struggled or felt like they only had enough to make ends meet... but they always knew that if they put God first, and did their part, they wouldn't have much to worry about. 

I can't say that I have done the best job with my money, but I have tried. I have looked for ways to earn money growing up, but I could have done a much better job at saving it! What I have learned is that every person has their own money habits and strategies. I am currently engaged, and it has been really good for me to watch how my fiance' uses his money.  He rarely ever spends it, and always pays his bills ahead of time. I spent a lot of time with his family and noticed that they rarely spent money on entertainment. They did a lot together as a family, but most of their money was spent on food. Although I don't think I would want to go to this extreme in my own family, I do see a lot of value in the way that they save money.  My family spends a lot on entertainment and going out to eat, which is an area I would like to save on when I'm married.

I think the most important part about money in relationships is communication! Before you get married, a couple should talk about what they will spend money on, how they will save, who will work, who will pay the bills, etc. Then, you need to make rules for yourselves. Make a budget, and stick to it. Always be accountable for what you spend. I think another really important thing to remember about money, is that although it is very important, don't let it control you! There are times when it is good to be generous and times when money should be spent. As long as you communicate with one another and stick to your rules, you can usually get through anything. Above all, avoid debt at all costs and always have a savings fund. 

I have learned that although money is an essential part of life and marriage, it doesn't have to control us. We can take control of our finances and and experience joy in our lives! 

Power

One very important part of a marriage relationship comes down to power. 

Power is defined as the capacity or ability to direct or influence others in a particular way.  In the marriage relationship, there should be an equal share of power. Unfortunately this isn't always the case. There is a notion that men are the power-weilders in relationships, although that is a stereotype.

 It can be the man or the woman that dominates the relationship.  Regardless of who it is, it is a problem. 

Healthy marriages share an equal balance of power.

 Gordon B. Hinckley, a former president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints said, 

"In the marriage companionship there is neither inferiority nor superiority. The woman does not walk ahead of the man; neither does the man walk ahead of the woman. They walk side by side as a son and daughter of God on an eternal journey." 

It is important to notice that men and women play different roles in the family, although these roles do not delineate the power share. 

"By divine design, fathers are to preside over their families in love and righteousness and are responsible to provide the necessities of life and protection for their families. Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners "(Declaration on the Family).

These are distinct and important roles.  

I am very grateful for my wonderful parents who have been an example of shared power in their relationship.  There are some things in which my Dad makes the final decision, but I know that he always counsels with my mother. 

Above anything, I think it's vital to put the Lord first in your decision making and then come together as husband and wife to make the final decision. Husbands and wives should be very careful to not be demanding and controlling of one another, but to give each other space to explore their personal dreams as well as marital goals. 

The following interchange represents this goal that couples should have to help one another soar and reach their highest dreams. 

Church magazines: Sister Hinckley, you have said that your husband “always let me do my own thing. He never insisted that I do anything his way, or any way, for that matter. From the very beginning he gave me space and let me fly.” How has he done that? 

Sister Hinckley: He never tells me what to do. He just lets me go. He has made me feel like a real person. He has encouraged me to do whatever makes me happy. He doesn’t try to rule or dominate me. 

Church magazines: President, you have said: “Some husbands regard it as their prerogative to compel their wives to fit their standards of what they think to be the ideal. It never works.” How have you avoided doing this with Sister Hinckley?

 President Hinckley: I’ve tried to recognize my wife’s individuality, her personality, her desires, her background, her ambitions. Let her fly. Yes, let her fly! Let her develop her own talents. Let her do things her way. Get out of her way, and marvel at what she does…If there is anything that concerns me, it is that some men try to run their wife’s life and tell her everything she ought to do. It will not work. There will not be happiness in the lives of the children nor of the parents where the man tries to run everything and control his wife. They are partners. They are companions in this great venture that we call marriage and family life.

That is exactly how I want to be in my marriage. I want to give my husband wings to fly, to always encourage him to do his best and then just let him do it! I know that as we share the power equally in our marriages that we will be happy. 

Physical Intimacy

This is one of the more awkward subjects to discuss on a blog, but it’s one that I think is so important if not VITAL to marriages. 

 Physical intimacy can either bring some of the greatest joy and unity to a marriage or the most pain and sadness.  When we marry someone, we are giving our whole selves to them and that includes sex.  In other areas of our relationship, I think most of us are very good at having clear and concise communication.  We talk about where we want to live, how we’re going to raise our kids, what our specific roles are going to be… But sometimes, couples feel insecure and uncomfortable when it comes to communicating about their sexual lives. 

 It is important for individuals to learn and understand that they have a stewardship in their marriage to be responsible for discussing and working toward compromise in sexual matters. 

I am not married and therefore don’t have any experience in this area, but I have heard of relationships that have failed because couples didn’t talk about their issues. It may be uncomfortable at first, but I really believe that talking about these things will bring happiness. It is also very important that couples are aware of the patterns that begin infidelity.  People don’t just immediately start by being unfaithful to their spouse. It usually begins because one spouse feels like they are not getting something from the other- whether that be emotional support or physical attention. They start to look for these attributes in other people.  Then, it just starts casually. It may be a colleague at work or someone at church.  They can justify being around these people because they are doing “good” things. Then they start fantasizing about this person and comparing them to their current spouse.  Eventually they start to develop feelings and even engage in what they call “innocent” behavior, like a kiss or a hug. If they go down this road too long, you know what happens.  They may be caught in a tempting situation and they may give in. 

All of this could just have been avoided if they had recognized this pattern at the beginning and if they had put their trust in their spouse instead of someone else.  I have seen how destructive this pattern can be and how easily it is for trust to be broken. People need to be better informed and they need to build trusting and open relationships with their spouse to avoid infidelity. 

If you and your spouse are struggling to discuss these issues with each other, it may be helpful to see a counselor who will be understanding and also respectful of your standards and beliefs.